There's these images in my head I keep getting from a movie my grandmother watched when I was a kid. I think it was probably on Lifetime.

I think the movie starts out with a visibley pregnant woman stabbing herself to try to kill the baby inside of her because she already has six kids (Or something like that). There's a doctor that comes to the house.

I remember being little and talking to my grandmother about it and she told me the movie was about how birth control used to be illegal and the movie was about how this woman made it legal for women to have birth control. And that the doctors knew how to but wouldn't tell the women. (I remember as a child thinking, do the women not know that sex makes babies? Why wouldn't the doctors tell them that!)

In retrospect, was birth control ever illegal in this country? So was this movie about birth control or abortion, because I faintly remember later in the a movie a woman on a computer in the library I think. I keep trying to figure out what the movie was but I can't seem to figure it out. The memories of it are really disturbing.

I sort of want to watch it again so I can maybe bring peace to my mind.

Edit:
Just found this I had no idea that birth control/ contraceptive devices have only been legal in this country for about forty years. Wow.

So I get home from class and the first thing my mom tells me is Lilia took a nap today for fourty minutes.   My mom had to pace around with her and she fell asleep on her shoulder.

Ten minutes later though my mother is telling me "I need a nipple or a bottle or a pacifier or something." 

Next thing I know my grandmother wants to know where the bottles are.

Umm... No she's almost thirteen months old, there is no point in introducing those now?!   She doesn't need one.    My mom says "Oh she needs it to suck on to feel better."  

She doesn't even know how to use the stupid things.   UGH.  I'm so annoyed.    

I handed her a pacifier that we never used and said go ahead.  Only because I know Lilia won't use it.      My mom is in the kitchen dunking it in juice trying to get her to suck on it.    I don't want her to get into the habit of sucking a stupid pacifier now.

I told them I didn't see the point.  I didn't argue about it though, whatever I know Lilia's not going to use it.  

They're just stupid. 

My grandfather is a diabetic and he injects himself twice a day with insulin. A few years ago I guess someone gave him a whole box of unused syringes to use. They weren't big enough and never got used. So today my grandparents are at the table opening all the packages up and breaking the needles off the syringes into a cardboard box. I tried to tell them that I didn't think that it was safe and that I was pretty sure I read that you weren't suppose to do it like that. She insisted that that was how they were told to dispose of them. I interjected that that was probably twenty plus years ago that she was told that. I told them they should probably bring them to the hospital and have them dispose of them for them. Mean while they're both stabbing themselves in the fingers, my grandfather got blood all over the table because one ripped his finger open.

I looked it up for them. Found plenty of things that said to do exactly what I said, and that you should put them in a puncture proof container. They didn't listen to me so I gave up.

Seventeen years ago when my brother was about two, he stepped on one of my grandfather's needles (that he'd broken off in the same manner and some how dropped on the floor) and got it stuck in his foot. No one knew that's what happened they just knew there was blood on the floor and he was screaming and wouldn't walk on his foot for days. They eventually took him to the hospital. It wedged itself in his heal so far, according to the X-rays, that they told my mother that they would damage his foot more by trying to remove it and just left it in there. He limped for a long time. A few years later he developed bad pain in his foot again and new XRays showed that the needle was gone.

So yeah what they were doing in the kitchen today made me really nervous.

My mother watched Lilia yesterday. When Steve argued with her last week Television was brought up and my mom told us that the only reason she was putting it on for her was so she could watch the Lion King because she was afraid the Pumba toys in her house. I can buy this. But when she brought her home yesterday she starts telling me about all the movies she put on for her and how they played all the way through and Lilia only watched a couple minutes here and there of music but still. I really don't have a big problem with my mom putting Hakkuna Mattatta on so she can watch that for a couple minutes... But I don't want her sitting through a whole movie and doing nothing for two hours while she's at my mother's house but watch movies. Ugh. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to start anything like last time.

:<  I wanna go see Half Blood Prince

My Facebook friends list updates: 

is going to Harry Potter tonight.

is uber excited for Harry Potter tonight!!!

anyone have an extra harry potter ticket? text me

Going to see Harry Potter at midnight!!

is excited for Harry Potter tonight! Midnight party!

I GOT MY TICKET FOR HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF BLOOD PRINCE!!! I can't wait to go see it and i am dressing for the occasion!!! Look out Hermione here comes Ashlee!

should be shacking up with harry potter. if i'm not around, that's why.

Lilia is wearing me out today.  She doesn't want me to put her down, and she keeps dragging me outside in the 100+ degree heat.   I'm exhausted I need a break and she's only been awake for two hours.  

I made vegetarian stir fry tonight.  I added tofu to it.   I think the tofu made me sick.   Everytime I've eaten tofu in the last sick months I get nauseated and feel like I'm going to throw up.    Other things with soy doesn't bother me, but for some reason tofu makes me feel like I have morning sickness all over again.  I don't know what's up with that, but I guess I'm not going to be buying blocks of tofu anymore.  : ( 

Lilia woke up at 1am lastnight and kept me up until almost four in the morning, then woke up again at ten.   I got six hours of sleep max, but I don't think I even got that much because she kept tossing and turning all night.

I'm tired.  I want a nap.  


I am so mad at anyone going to see the midnight showing of Half Blood Prince tonight.    I have conceded that it is compeltely unrealistic of me to even thing about tryin to find a baby sitter for 11:30pm- 2:00am.  We'll go on Thursday or Friday I guess.

And incidentally Steve,  we can get the bargin matinee price on Thursday if we go at 12:05, 12:25, 3:25, or 3:45.   I accept that we can't go tomorrow because we won't be home from glass until after 3:30, so I think Thursday at 3:45 sounds reasonable, it will be right after Lilia's nap hopefully.  

My friends page has been sooo flooded that I just went through all the communities I belong too and don't actually read and unwatched them.  (Mostly Lolita and Graphic/Icon communities)   so hopefully now it will be easier to keep up with my friends list.  :3  

Edited To Add:  Oh my god it made a huge difference! I should have done that ages ago!  Maybe now I'll be able to keep up with my friends better!  YAY! 

Maybe it's because all I feel the need to talk about is my problems. That's always been what I use journals for, my problems. I feel like I have so much to bitch about recently. :/

One thing that drives me nuts, that is totally harmless but it still drives me nuts? People talking calling the cut on Lilia's hand a Boo Boo. I don't know why that word drives me insane but it does. Or my mom calling bananas nannies, or my grandmother calling her watch a tick-tock. Or asking her if she wants some "Um um" I feel like they're dumbing her down by teaching her these words. She could learn the real words for things.

My grandfather was giving Lilia potato chips today. I've told him before not to (She choked on them, not to mention that they're just not good for her) but no one seems to listen to me.


In more positive news, Lilia is nodding her head yes when you ask her a question now. Only problem is she nods yes to every question. Like Not just 'Do you want to go outside?" or "Are you hungry?" but I discovered today she also will nod yes to "Do you want a beer?" "Do Daddy's feet smell?" "Do you want your diaper changed?" Everything she nods yes to. So I think she's just acknowledging that you are asking a question.   I have a video on my camera, plus a bunch of new ones on my  computer I need to upload.

So my sister just came back and asked if her and my mom could take Lilia to Walmart in the stroller (Which is down the street) so I guess this gives me the opportunity to post about yesterday.

( What happened )

My mom and Steve had a big confrontation yesterday.   A lot of hurtful things were said.   Everything from band aids, to honey, to TV, to diapers, to my daughters aneurysm.... I want to post about it later but I don't think I have time right now.   My sister brought Lilia over to her house and she said she'd be back in a few minutes.


Some Mormon missionaries came to my door earlier.   I wanted to talk to them about my beliefs since they wanted to talk about theirs, but I started shaking really hard and I couldn't express what I wanted to.  Then Steve came to the door and was like "Hey you doodz we's eatin teh dinners go awayz."   Well not exactly like that but something like that.   He thought he was saving me, he's a hardcore athiest, but I sort of wanted to talk to them.    

Christianity and me don't mix, I have too many other beliefs that don't line up with it, but I respect the religion like any other.  


Also here's a cute video from the fourth of July of Lilia Dancing

( Whining?  )

Okay I made the mistake of going to bed at two in the morning.   About three hours after Lilia did. I asumed she'd sleep until nine like she usually does.

NO She wakes up at four thirty in the morning giggling and laughing and I got two and  a half hours sleep.   I can hardly keep my eyes open.  I can't decide if I should make coffee or just hope she'll want to go back to sleep in an hour.  

I'm letting her get into stuff I probably shouldn't right now because I'm tired.

Man it's too bad it's not safe to take a nap while she's awake. 

My cousin had a party last night invited the whole family and also had lots of friend over who were camping in their backyard (Because they were drinking and this way they didn't have to drive home)  We decided to get our tent and stay over too.   Overall it was fun.  Lilia had fun, there were lots of kids between the ages of about nine and thirteen.   Half were girls half were boys.   Lilia loved them.   I drank a little bit.  I'm such a lightweight a puny girly drink got me a little buzzed.  Then Lilia woke up from her nap(I put her down at seven thirty so I was hoping she'd sleep for a while but no such luck)  so I didn't drink anymore.


Honestly I don't want my journal to turn into a place where all I do is bitch about other people's parenting.  I seem to notice it so much more now though.  It makes me sad how other people talk to their kids.  Okay I know from now on when I bitch about other people's parenting I'll put it under a cut

( Someday my daughter will be older and I'll see I guess )

Today was suppose to be a fun day. We went to the beach to watch the fireworks tonight. While I don't think that in itself was a total disappointment it was the first time I've seen fireworks at all in years, the good ones though we couldn't see through the fog and just everything that led up to it sucked.

It was an hour drive. Every other time we've taken Lilia she was fine. This time she had a melt down and got upset and I tried to calm her. I was eating french fries and decided to give her one so that she'd calm down (I've never given her one before I was just desperate for her to calm down). She ate it and then vomited it about twenty minutes later and then choked on the vomit. It was a nightmare. She was so upset. I'm so glad I brought so many changes of clothes and that we were able to pull over so fast. 

She at fun a first at the beach but got grumpy. Then she had explosive diarrhea that got all over and I had to change her clothes again.   I kept trying to nurse her but she'd only suck for a few seconds then run off to play in the sand again.  

Oh she did do the cutest thing when the fireworks were first going off.   She appeared to make up her own sign for them.  In fact, I don't know the sign for fireworks but if I were to guess or at the very least if I were trying to make one up it would have looked like what she did.  She put her hands together and then moved them apart really fast towards the sky like an explosion.   She did it over and over again after every time there was a firework in the sky.   Ah now I had to look it up and it looks almost exactly like the second sign shown here.  It was so cool.  


Oh and here's the crazy thing.  Remember the girl from Facebook I posted about last week?   In this post.   The one who said she thought kids need a wack sometimes?    She showed up there with her whole family (Brother and his kids, her husbands brother and his kids, and husbands sister and her kids)  she said hi to me talked all nice to us every once in a while.    But oh my god I swear all I heard her do was bitch at her kids and her husbands other two kids.  She never used a gentle voice, it was always this I'm superior bitchy voice.   This annoyed me but it wasn't until I saw the way she interacted with her nine month old that I was genuinely upset.   He'd been crying for a while and she was trying to feed him a jar of baby food.   He kept spitting it out and she would straight up yell at him "NOOO!! BAD NO!!! NO NO NO!!"  Then she finally left him with someone else and he just sat there and screamed for ten or twenty minutes.  She finally came back saying "Do you want a Baba?"   No I had an idea she wasn't nursing anymore based on the comment she left on my breastfeeding photo of me and Lilia when her son was like three months old  "Oh I remember those days"  anyway it wasn't the bottle that bothered me....  It was what she did.   She got the bottle.  She picked him up set him down in his carseat handed him the bottle and covered the carseat with a blanket and walked away.    I was dumbfounded.    Was it that much work just to hold your baby?  Wow.    



When we got there.  Lilia was so happy.
( More Pictures from the Beach and Fireworks )

Lilia just went to sleep.  There was several times tonight since around nine that I was nursing her and she was almost asleep but suddenly out of nowhere would go rigid and pull away and cry and not want to nurse anymore.  Finally the last time she did it she laid on the bed next to me and I patted her back until she fell asleep.  I think she's only done that one other time where she was so tired that I patted her to sleep since she wouldn't nurse.    Not sure what's up with that.   It made me kind of sad though.   I wouldn't want her to wean anytime soon (Not that I think this is suggesting that in the least bit)  it just reminded me how much I enjoy nursing her to sleep.

Or in my case, I burned a grilled cheese sandwich I was cooking for Steve and for some reason it upset me so much I was on the verge of crying over it.

Earlier today there was something else, Oh yeah Steve said lastnight that we'd go to the store today and get flash cards for Lilia.  Everytime I asked him about it today he said "We'll go later."  Finally I asked him around four and he said "We'll go when it cools down."    Which upset me because the first few times I asked him today was before it had gotten hot outside.   So now I have to wait until it's dark for it to cool down to at least eighty so that he'll take us.   Something totally silly but for some reason I wanted to go hide in my room and cry over it.

So all I can think is maybe I'm ovulating and going to start menstrating again soon? 

I'm totally emotional today and I don't know why.

So my sister was playing with Lilia and I looked and Lilia looked like she busted her lip.  It was all red.   Then upon close inspection I realized it was lipstick.  I said "Oh Angel you must have kissed Lilia and got Lipstick on her."  Then I look up and my sister has no lipstick on.   She says "No, I'm grounded from my makeup."    I'm like.  Oh.  Well where's she get the lipstick?!  My grandmother who is close  by says "Oh, I put it on her.   It was the best I could do to keep her from eating it.  Say  Mom look I've got Lipstick on so I can be pretty."  

Now I have more than one problem with this whole scenario.


1  There is no reason for my twelve month old to be wearing Lipstick
2   I do not want her to get the idea that she has to have makeup on to be pretty 

Absolutely something I don't want to foster in her so early.

Well I was going to talk about random nonsense like how Lilia's up late and running around all day how school is going well and my aunt watches Lilia on Tuesdays my mom on Monday and Wednesday and that the days my aunt watches her she actually keeps her in the cloth diapers I got her.   My mom doesn't want to because she' too afraid she'll poop and it will be hard to clean up.  

But then my sister came over with my mom and step dad to wish my grandpa a happy birthday.  My sister seemed upset so I asked her what was wrong.  My step dad is clearly drunk, he usually is as night.   My sister whispers to me that she's upset because her dad told her she was "Fucked up"  She was already upset today because they decided to get her a therapist and took her to mental health today.    I've been suggesting this for a while since she was cutting herself earlier in the year and told me that last year she was suicidal.  

I am just so sad for my sister, between my mom and her dad.  

I uploaded a bunch of videos to youtube   in all it was about 50 minutes.   Then I made this video which is seven minutes of the cutest stuff.

Go to about fifty seconds in and watch the bit with the cow.. And then go forward to 2:50 and watch her eat sorbet.    Then go to about 6:00 to see her sing in the microphone.   Those are the things I would suggest if you don't have time to watch it all.

Now I'm going to bed.  I have two chapters in my text book to read and I still haven't finished the first one and it's 3am.  UGH. I'm just going to go to bed though.  I'm tired.

Someone help me.


I can't stop squirting Steve in the face with my boob milk even though I know he hates it. 

It's like sexual harassment or something.... But I just love to squirt milk at stuff.  

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Someday we'll have our own space.


It is so hard to keep three peoples worth of stuff organized in one little room.  *sigh* 

It's not organized it's a mess.


I can't keep this place looking decent not even a little bit.


When we have our own place with our own space people will finally stop giving Lilia food she's not suppose to have.  Like potato chips and pizza.  Oh my god I'm going to be crazy.  God damn it stop giving my kid junk. NO! Salty potato chips are not good for her!


My mom made a comment yesterday that really pissed me off.   I was at her house and I told her that Lilia had been grumpy all day and I thought it was from all the food she got on her birthday that she hadn't had before and that she shouldn't be eating because it's junk food....

And do you know what my mother said to me?

"Well that's because you're not introducing new foods to her like you're suppose to be.  She needs to adjust to eating new foods, so what do you expect?"

I am so annoyed I can't even express it.



In better news there's this awesome lady in class with us at the college.  Her name is Susana.   She has an almost two year old and a six year old.    Her six year old is starting at the Waldorf school in the fall.   Susana is on welfare.   This gives me hope that I will be able to get Lilia into Waldorf if she can.  

Also!  I thought it was sooo cool that our instructor/teacher/proffesor for the class used to be a Waldorf teacher himself.  

I feel so hopeful for ours and Lilia's future.